Yesterday I was up and down with my emotions. Having PTSD and depression, there are days where I have to take it minute by minute. Yesterday was one of those days.
When I have down days, I try to look for that glimmer of light within all the darkness. That glimmer of light is always my children and grandchildren. I really think they are the reason I’m still here.
I have PTSD, and resulting from that, I have depression. I’ve not told my story to many and I’ve never told the whole story. I’ve had so much darkness throughout my life. Especially during my childhood that I can’t bring myself to verbalize everything. Yet, but I’m slowly getting there.
I started going to therapy about 4 years ago. Yes, I’m still in therapy. I saw the same therapist for about 2 1/2 years and I wasn’t making any headway. She set me up with someone that had extra training for people who’ve had traumatic experiences.
I was a bit put off, when she first sent me to someone else. However, it was the best thing she could have done for me. I’ve learned so much about why I have flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, sadness, really the list goes on.
As a child I was never allowed to show sadness or anger. If I did I was told to “get over it” or “stop being so dramatic, Jamie”. I was never allowed to grieve over the loss of a marriage, the loss of my grandparents. It’s pretty sad that I’ve had to be taught how to grieve. To learn that it’s ok to cry over the loss of something or someone. That I don’t need to “get over it” and I’m not being dramatic.
Downside of learning to express my feelings and learning it’s ok to cry is everything makes me cry now. I’m like a giant tear. LOL, I laugh only because if I don’t, I’ll cry.
My night ended well. I have 2 of my grandkids here. The kids that are still young enough to still live at home are all healthy, safe, and sound.
How can I look at my kids or grandkids and not feel how blessed I truly am?
Until next time;