Disposable

As I continue to work through my PTSD, I find that I feel disposable. I look back throughout my life and there are so many people that seem to just leave and don’t look back.

When my first husband left me, I felt as if my world was ending. I was young with 3 small children.  I was so completely blindsided by it.

I also felt as if his family no longer wanted anything to do with me. Those were my feelings then.  I look back and I can’t even begin to picture my life with him actively in it. We were both way to young to not only have been married, but to have had children.
That being said, I wouldn’t change a thing. I have 3 beautiful children from that marriage. My kids have enriched my life in so many ways. I could never even wish for a second he hadn’t come into my life.

I’ve had friends become “unavailable” when I needed them the most. For instance when I had cancer. I never felt more alone, then I did during that dark time in my life. I had zero in person support and almost all of my online friends weren’t around.
I later found out that my online friends just didn’t know what to say or how to act during that time. All I needed from them is to just let me know they cared and were in fact there for me.

Finally, I come to my family. I never in a million years thought I would feel like I was nothing to my extended family (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins).  Unfortunately my entire family except for a select few have chosen to cut ties with me. The pain I feel from that is so intense I’m unable to even find words to describe it. What’s worse, is there was no blow up, nothing that happened between them and myself. They just stopped talking to me. Removed me from Facebook and they’ve not looked back. I messaged them telling them how much I love them and while I know they saw the message they didn’t bother to answer me.
I don’t even know the  reason why they stopped talking to me.

Then there is my Mother. I confronted her over two years ago about abuse I had suffered as a child.  I was physically, sexually, and mentally abused. Along with being neglected.  In the past I have confronted her in person and she would always say the same thing. That she had no idea what was happening and that she sacrificed and stayed with him because of me.
She plays the victim well and has done it all my life. She knew good and well what was happening. She walked in on it a few times and was sitting there while it was happening other times.  On top of that she’s never been there for me emotionally. I could give examples but this blog would turn into a book.
I sent her a message on facebook August 8th, 2013. I thought maybe, just maybe if she didn’t have to see the hurt in my eyes, or her the hurt in my voice, she just might be able to talk about it via messenger.  I was wrong. Not only did she not answer my message, she stopped talking to me all together. 
She started saying things to my older children. I hadn’t even mentioned to them there was anything going on. This was between her and me. Not her, me, and my kids.
At some point both her and her husband (my step-dad), blocked me on facebook.  As if all of that was not bad enough, They picked up and moved to another state.  The only reason I know they moved is because my older kids mentioned it.
Once they moved, it wasn’t long after the move, my extended family, one by one stopped talking to me.  The majority of them anyway.

I feel as if I’m disposable. I’m not important enough for people to keep me in their lives.
I’m learning through therapy this is on them, not me. Though I still feel as if it is me. The logical part of me see’s things for what it is. Then there is this other part of me, who is hurting so badly and I just want to feel loved.

Until next time;

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6 thoughts on “Disposable

  1. I hope you know I’m always there! Sometimes when you disappear, I don’t know what’s going on, but you can always talk to me.

    I feel disposable too sometimes. I think everyone does, but in your family, it’s worse than the normal disfunction. I can’t even explain or make excuses for your mother…or why the rest of the family has made that choice.

    You aren’t disposable…I think you know that. And how others treat you is more about them, than you. Hugs

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  2. You are one of a few that I know I can always count on.
    Logically I know I’m not disposable, now to get my emotional side to get the message.
    I loved today’s Note from the Universe. It really hit home.
    xoxo

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