Wow, it’s already January 13th 2016. The last time I touched base, the countdown to Christmas had begun. Over the last month and a half, I’ve had so many things I wanted to blog. Ideas, visions, and just plain ole wanting to share things.
So comes the question why haven’t I been back before now? An honest answer is for a number of reasons yet at the same time no reason.
The month of December just flew by. It feels like I blinked and in that nano second while I blinked Dec was here and gone.
There was a time when blogging came to me easily and was a huge stress reliever. While I still feel the ease of stress once I’m done, the anxiety of being able to form coherent sentences is a killer.
I had a mini stroke about 5years ago and I’ve not been the same since. I’ve had a bit of a personality change. Ok, more than a bit. I don’t enjoy a whole lot at the moment, which can be blamed on both depression and my complex PTSD. I must inject that I do find happiness and love when it comes to my children. They are the air that I breath.
I knew a few things had changed, but I didn’t realize how much until my oldest daughter pointed it out. I started to think back, which was a challenge in its own right.
My CPTSD showed up about that time. Prior to my stroke I had chosen to not deal with the evil things I’d been subjected to. Instead I buried it deep within me which is what I was taught to do. Showing feelings wasn’t something that I was allowed to show. If I appeared really happy and full of joy, I was being loud and rambunctious and needed to settle done. If I was crying I was being dramatic. It was a no win situation.
I’ve been questioning myself and my therapist, why PTSD is showing up now, why not earlier? For the longest time I felt as if I didn’t have a right to process those feelings. I can still hear in my head today, “Stop being so dramatic, Jamie”. That little voice stops me from processing feelings as I should. I’m 44 and just now learning it’s ok for me to have feelings. That I deserve to be treated with love and kindness.
As a Mother, teaching my children Empathy and being for them has been second nature. Being there for myself is something I’m working on.
Because I can get an anxiety attack at the drop of a hat, my therapist has given me a few things to help come down.
One of the things that I do to help is coloring in “adult” coloring books. When I say adult I don’t mean any sort of porn. LOL. For an example of what I mean click “here”. You can also google and find pages you can print out as well. You can use whatever you like, crayons, markers, sharpies, colored pencils, gel pens… you get the drift. I like to use colored pencils.
What do you do for those stressful and anxious times?
Until next time;