The year of Jamie

2015 flew by for me. I had so many blog ideas and so many pics I wanted to share.  Yet there seemed no time for me to sit and actually write them out.
My PTSD has taken so much from me. It’s hard for me to sit and concentrate long enough to write a blog that  doesn’t jump all over the place and makes a bit of sense.
I recently came to the realization that I’m tired of being a victim. I want to be a survivor! My pain is not hurting those that hurt me in the least.  I’m hurting myself by holding on to the pain.

I’ve been going to therapy for 4 years now.  That’s a whole lot of pain I’ve been dealing with. I was finely directed to someone who specializes in trauma and ptsd, I’ve been seeing her  for almost a year now.
Over this last year I have grown and learned so much about myself. Understanding that I’m not “crazy” or “dramatic”. I’m a human being with feelings and it’s ok if I show them. I’m allowed to grieve and show happiness, or even sadness.
I’ve been doing a whole lot of grieving for the mother that I never really had in the first place. A mother who wrote  me off when I confronted her instead of owning her part of the abuse and neglecting me. That’s been a hard pill to swallow.  I still react wrong in certain situations for fear of how she would react.  Learning that she has never been there for me when it counts was not because, I had done anything wrong. It was all about her narcissism and wanting it to always be about her. To one up on me per say.

I still have a lot of healing to do and I’m bound and determined to make 2016 the year of Jamie.  Good things are on the horizon.  I really hope that I’ll be able to share my journey with all of you.

Until next time;

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4 thoughts on “The year of Jamie

  1. This all sounds positive. I’ve been watching you deal with things for years, and know your anguish and feelings about so many things and yet, I never felt like I could really help, other than BE there when you needed someone. Too bad I wasn’t your mom (I’d prefer “sister” age-wise haha), but I guess we all have our issues to deal with and get past!! Looks like you finally are moving forward. Hugs.

  2. Your kids are damn lucky to have you for a mother. I feel they know that.
    I’ve come to the realization that I was screwed in the Mother dept. That’s on her though. She’s the one who missed out and continues to miss out. I’ll never understand why she is so selfish or why she allowed me to be abused. It’s not for me to know. From her lack of parenting, I feel that while I may be a bit strict at times, I’m a fairly good parent. I will never do or allow the things that were done to me, to happen to my children.

    • I’ve always thought what happens to us in this life, is the result of a past life. Karma. I know lots of people disagree, but that’s been my theory (and I don’t care what other people think anyway). So, since the soul/life force is forever, this life is the result of something we needed to work through for the next. That way I don’t blame everyone for what happens to me when it is something I had no choice over. Like who we’re born to. Choices I make NOW, yes…the results are expected and I (eventually) figure out not to do that again! (ha)

      Your mother is damaged. She has done nothing to fix that by her bad choices with you. But YOU have made a difference, and you didn’t continue the abuse! I’m thinking her next life may be a mirror image of what she let happen to you. So I’m proud of you for that.

      Now you’re making progress with your own issues that began because of her choices when you didn’t have any…you can heal. I’ll be there. Lots of people love you and that’s a very good thing.

  3. I’m with Kat on not being much help. Not knowing what to say but being here for you. I can’t imagine all you’ve gone through. Sounds like you’re making wonderful progress and that is another step forward in the healing process. (((Hugs)))

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