Flashback Park

Retrieving memories before you have any verbal skills is odd to say the least. I have no idea why my mind must torture me so.  Seeing things but not being able to put words to it, just feelings, really sucks. I’m so very thankful I’m in therapy. I can’t even imagine how a person would handle this part of their recovery without a therapist to guide them through.

To know my Mother never gave me the love I needed unless I was ill is disheartening.  My Father on the other hand was to “loving”.  Yet I was neglected by both.  Sent off as soon as I was potty trained to be on my own otherwise I was locked up in a playpen or a room of some sort.

I never had any friends to play with and as lonely as it was thankfully I was an only child.  My father’s mistresses always treated me well. Not sure the reason behind it but I’m thankful non the less.  It was the only non-abusive positive attention I was ever shown.
He would take me to grocery stores and tell me to pretend my mother was dead so he could pick up women. I knew what would happen if I didn’t go along with it, so I always kept my mouth shut and did the mute thing. I didn’t want to accidentally mess up. I valued my life far too much.
Mind games were huge with him!

I was about 3 yrs  old and once again I was sent away. This time to a park that was half a block to a block away from the house we lived in.  I know we couldn’t see it from the house.  I remember seeing all these kids there with their parents and I was all alone.  I was also not allowed to come home until they called for me.  I had stomach problems even back then. I can remember this like it’s happening right now.  My stomach was rumbling and I had to poop. So I went under this slide that was enclosed underneath and took a dump. One of the parents found out about it and asked me where I lived. So I told them, they walked me home and told on me.  I got beat for that.   Was told what a horrible embarrassment I was and how I knew better.   I didn’t know better, I wasn’t allowed to go home or I would be spanked.  What was I supposed to do?  This was a small playground with no bathroom to use. I did the best I could, I was 3.
I not only got beat I got sent to my room for that.  I wonder if the parent would still have reacted in the same way if she had known the whole story.

I’m starting  to flashback so I need to stop for now;

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