Just for today

Today I am feeling on edge, lonely, and unhappy.  Not that these are unusual feeling for me but they are intensified today for some reason.  Ok, not for some reason. I’m pretty sure I know the reasons.
It’s a combination of things.  Hearing from a 1st cousin on my biological fathers side, and I have a lot of mixed emotions about that.  I’ve also have had my granddaughter for the last two weeks while her parents were away on vacation. She left today and with that my “grounding” left.  Something about that child helps keep me centered. Maybe it’s her age and her innocence, maybe it’s just the fact that  I love her so darn much, or it could be all of the above. Regardless when she left I felt lost.

It sucks having a mental illness. I grew up with the mindset that you show the world one thing and keep your problems to yourself.  That being mentally ill was something that was/is taboo and shouldn’t be talked about to anyone.   I even have problems sharing what I need to with my therapist.  Why I can’t force myself to open up all the way is beyond me.  To actually talk about the things that need addressing and work through them instead of burying them.

For this moment in time I’m going to admit that I’m not ok, and that I do need help. But even as I type that, I feel as if I should hit the delete button and take it back. That by putting it out there I’ve broken some sacred testament.  When will I actually put in the work to heal? Am I becoming my own secrete victim? Do I prefer feeling like this over the chance for true happiness?  Do I secretly feel as if I deserve to be miserable in life?

I don’t have the answers, but for today, for right now, I’m reaching out and I’m saying I need help. I don’t want to live this way. I do want to be happy.  In my head I hear “Do you really deserve it?”.

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