I was originally going to do a video blog for this particular entry. Unfortunately SnapChat cuts you off after so long and I don’t know how to put them all together.
So I deleted the 1st part of the video and decided to write it out. VLOGS are a bit easier for me as I don’t struggle for the right words when speaking, just when writing. So Please bare with me.
Tonight I had a bit of a break down. It was the straw broke the camels back sort of deal. It doesn’t really matter what it was over or who it all involved.
What does matter was after I took myself off to a a quite room and got my shit together I did some major reflecting on my life.
I came to a very peaceful and satisfactory conclusion, which I will share with you in a moment.
My youngest is getting ready to go into 5th grade. Before I know it she’ll be graduating high school. My young grandchildren will be teens and not need me anymore.
These are all very good things.
I’m in severe pain every. single. day.! People look at me and think I look fine but they have no idea what I go through every day. I’m not talking about a little bit of pain in one or two places. Every fiber of my being hurts. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Some parts hurt more than others, but it all hurts.
I’ve had doctors tell me how sorry they are for my pain because you can see it on xray, MRI, CAT scans, and even see a bit in the blood work they do. Yet they can’t do anything for me.
There is literately no help out there for me. With the crack down on opioids, they are weaning me off my pain meds slowly. Not because my doctor wants to, but because the government says I’m not allowed to be on them.
I can’t do anything without breaking out in a sweat and have it pouring off of me. Not because I’m doing so much, because I’m in so much pain from all the movement, no matter how slow or mild it is, it’s killing me.
I’ve decided to end my life after Sarah graduates from highschool. I have macular degeneration in both eyes on top of everything else.
I’m at peace with my decision and I finally feel there is an end to my suffering.
With the remaining time I have left I’m going to do my best to leave my children with good memories to look back on when I’m gone.