Another day, another tear

Today hasn’t been a good day.  I’ve been sick since last Tuesday and I’m so over it.  While I’m finally feeling a smidgen better, I’m nowhere back to my normal.

This coming Tuesday, February 12th will make 12 years since my son was born sleeping.  It’s incredibly hard on me and I feel as if I don’t have any support.
I haven’t been to therapy in over a month. Something keeps coming up and I’m not able to go.  Even in therapy I don’t talk about everything I need to talk about. I’ve had it smashed into my brain that I’m over dramatic and there isn’t anything wrong with me.  Growing up, my Mother didn’t allow me to show emotions. It was always about her and her feelings. When I showed sadness I was told I was being over dramatic and  when I showed happiness I was told I was on drugs. I could never do anything right.

When it comes time to talk to my therapist I have this huge wall that I stand behind and talk to her. Telling her only the basics. I’m always worried that I don’t have the right to feel the way I do. That having emotions about something is wrong.

So often in the evenings when the house is quiet, I’ll find tears running down my face. I have no control over it and I don’t even know I’m doing it until they start dripping off.   Welcome to my world…..

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