Once again I find slumber evading me. Thoughts of the past, present, and future are running through my head. Whether they be real, imagined, or in between.
It’s official, my father has crossed over. It’s been a bit over two years since he took his last breath and less then a year since I’ve had a suspicion that he was no longer in the land of the living . I don’t know how to feel about it, I’m numb inside with a side of longing.
I found out he asked for me on his death bed. I’m afraid to ask his then wife what he wanted to say to me. Did she know the things he did to me, did he have regrets, did he want to ask for my forgiveness? I don’t know any of those answers. I do know from talking to a recently discovered first cousin that the man she knew and the man I knew were not the same man. Had he mended his ways, saw the error of the way he was living his life? Or, did she just overlook all of that and only take in the good? Again, I’m afraid to ask.
I didn’t know, until just now that “if” my father had asked for my forgiveness, that I would have given it to him. Holding on to all of that bitterness does me no good. I’ll never ever forget what was done but I do, finally forgive him. Good memories with him are finally filtering in. While all the bad is still there, it’s a relief to finally have some good there too.
I can finally look at a picture of him and see not a monster that I was imaging, but just an ordinary man. That there was more to him then the things he did to me.
Finally knowing that there is more to ME than the things he did to me. It’s freeing to finally see things clearly.