Tonight as I was putting a clean sheet and blanket on the couch for Brian, I found myself becoming very agitated. As I finished my task I realized I was tired of life in general.
I’m tired making sure the couch is ready for him to sleep on. I’m tired of washing his clothing. Basically I’m just tired of his shit.
I feel as if he doesn’t appreciate anything I do for him. In fact, if I don’t do it I get yelled at.
To save the peace I do what I have to do and try not to think about. I’m tired of doing that too!
We’ve been living as roommates for more years than I can count and we live very different and separate lives.
That doesn’t mean I don’t love him. In fact I do, he gave me two very beautiful and precious daughters and a son that was born sleeping. I don’t like him, but I do love him.
If the kids need something extra, such as new stuff for school he tears me apart verbally because I’ve asked him for a bit of help. His argument is that he already pays me $200 a week in child support so why can’t I make it on that and my disability? He tells me that I’m wasting my money on nonsense, so on and so forth. If he didn’t live here that might be a valid argument but he does, so it’s not.
I don’t have the money because I pay damn near everything this house needs. I buy all the presents that go out to my 6 kids, 7 grandkids, and my kids significant others. I could go on and on with what I fork over every month but that’s not really the point.
B has a very good job and works a lot of overtime so I know he has the money.
I’m tired of the same shit every single day and I feel like I’m trapped with no out. I can’t afford to live on my own and raise my girls on what little I get a month.
I feel unwanted, unloved, and so very alone. Don’t get me wrong I don’t need a man to make me feel those things. In fact I can’t ever see myself in any sort of a relationship again. But that’s for another blog all together.
It’s my kids too. I don’t feel like they appreciate all I do for them. All I’ve sacrificed over the years. I’ve done it willingly and would do it again in heartbeat. I just want to feel like I’m loved and wanted.