There comes a time in everyone’s life that you start looking at the prospect of death. Usually it’s later on life, but for a select few it’s earlier. For whatever the reason may be, a terminal illness, depression or what have you. For me at the age of 47, I have to wonder if death wouldn’t be better than what my future holds. I was informed by my doctor that my insurance will no longer cover my pain meds as I’ve been flagged as a drug user.
I’ve been on pain meds due to severe pain on and off, but mostly on since 2003, and I’m currently on Morphine. While I hate depending on pain pills, I deal because it’s that or be 100% bed bound with zero life.
While on the meds I can be semi mobile and I’m terrified of what life looks like for me without meds.
What will happen to me when it gets to the point where I can’t be there for my children and grandkids? All I will be able to do is sit here in bed and have pain control me. I have to think what’s the point? That’s not living, as it is I’m already barley living.
I have no social life, I have very few enjoyments in life. Basically I live for my kids and grandkids.
I’m not talking about killing myself as I need to be here for my kids. I AM terrified though.
I’ve been told I have a very high pain tolerance and that I’m a strong person. But what do I do when the time comes and I can’t deal with the pain any longer? I’ve not been free of pain for a number of years and knowing the pain is going to get worse scares the crap outta me.